Birthday Musings

I turned 52 today and I am not sure how I feel about it.

There is a very real part of me that has never been afraid to grow old embracing aging with the same gusto I embraced my youth. But there is also a very real part of me that, after watching my Father die, realizes I am the next generation to pass. That is sobering.

I suppose it is healthy and normal to ask one’s self, how am I doing? How have I done? Then again, maybe its not healthy or normal. Do we really know what’s normal anyway?

At this time of year I am susceptible to being down, something not generally part of my optimistic self. And I do tend to over analyze my own thoughts and actions even on good days. The combination can be a real downer.

But this year I feel quite different, and I am not sure why. I can feel the tug to slip into the bluer side of life, but I have yet to succumb. And it’s not because things are rosy. Last week Leslie decided to drop out of the dental hygiene program she had worked so hard to get into and stay on top of. Something is wrong in her brain that robs her of stereoscopic vision, critical to dental work. The news, and the realization that nothing short of a miracle could change her brain, was a blow, for both of us and everyone at her school. Now that we cannot depend on her earning the kind of income a registered dental hygienist would, the burden falls back on me to earn more income. Yet, we are not submitting to despair.

Don’t get me wrong, we sill ask God what is going on and did we miss something along the way? We don’t question his love for us, but rather our discernment of his will. It is all beyond us, so we must turn to the one thing we do know – God’s heart. He loves us and has our best intentions in mind. I don’t really believe that he led Leslie to join the Hygiene program only to yank it way from her when the finish line was in sight. That is a cruel and thoughtless interpretation of the Sovereignty of God. But he wasn’t caught by surprise. He has promised to turn everything, eventually, to good. I don’t want to sound trite or shallow, but I really believe that. Grief and pain can co-exist with hope and faith.

Perhaps this birthday will be remembered for the corner we turned, the beginning of something new we can’t see until we travel down the road a bit. It doesn’t matter. I was surrounded by the ones who love me and it was enough. That is the best birthday present I could ever get.